Eversince I got pregnant, I made it a habit to write letters to my baby to tell him how I feel, what I did for the day, and other what-nots. The first few letters I wrote to my baby are now gone, unfortunately, as I did not post those online. These past few days, I have gone back to my other blog to read the letters I wrote to my son when I was still pregnant with him and it brought back all those mixed emotions but mostly the joy and excitement I have felt those times.
Today, 2 years ago, while my son was sleeping beside me, I have written the first letter after he was born. Reading this letter has brought me back to that very quiet early dawn while I composed this and I remembered how I felt while writing this. Two years after writing this and I still feel the same. And I realized that my life has been fully changed by my son ever since. I posted it in my one other blog and I just want to share it here. So here goes:
Dear Baby Love,
with my baby love
For 38 weeks I have awaited your arrival and now, here you are. You have arrived at last, filling my days with overwhelming joy with just your presence alone.
I have never dreamed that I would, one day, have someone call me Mommy. I almost gave up that thought and was about to resign myself to the fact that I will forever be the Aunt or the Godmother. But you changed all that. You came into my life at the best time possible.
I was losing focus of my goals and my own personal perspective. I was running in circles, always going back to square one and not accomplishing a thing. I kept thinking of the real purpose why I do things however, I am not able to find one. I was becoming a headless chicken running around with no direction.
I was already getting accustomed to the purposeless life I led and was starting not to care. Until the day I got the unexpected news. I was scared when I learned of your existence. A million questions were running through my head. What have I gotten myself into? Is this real? Am I dreaming? How do I tell my family? Can I raise you on my own? How will I adjust to a new lifestyle? But at the same time, I was filled with explainable joy. After so many crossroads I’ve been to that always led me back to square one, I was able to find a road that will give my life meaning. You became the reason why I do the things I do. You became my motivation to move forward, to become a better person, to be the person that you need.
Your first ultrasound didn’t show anything that hit me with my new reality. It was all so surreal. But on the second ultrasound we had, that was when I first saw you. Such a tiny baby with your heart beating and your arm moving. I couldn’t believe the fact that I am going to have you and yet I fell in love with you at that moment. That was when my whole perspective changed.
Every waking moment I try to imagine what you would look like, what you would be like. And every moment before I sleep, I tell you of my wishes and dreams for you. And I would imagine you listening intently to what I was saying and probably agreeing to some of them.
Week after week, I watched and felt you grow. I was always trying to feel your movements. I was actually excited to feel your kicks and your rolls. And you didn’t disappoint me. I felt your movement quite early in fact. That was such a joyous morning. I am the type of person who likes to be in control. But with you, sweet love, I never had the control. I never knew what to expect when it comes to you. You were always so full of surprises. You let me know what you like and dislike even when you were still inside my tummy. And it was fun to learn those things about you.
Seeing you on the screen and seeing you for the very first time are very different experiences. When you were brought to me for the very first time, you were crying. But when I held you and you heard my voice, you quieted down. Holding you in my arms for the very first time felt like heaven and seeing you melted my heart. You made me forget of the pain that I had just gone through for several hours prior to your arrival.
For the past 38 weeks, baby love, I was alone in my journey as I waited for your arrival. Now that you are here, your own journey begins. But know that you are not alone. I will always be here for you, sweetheart. I will walk the journey to life with you. I will be cheering you on, sharing in your pain, hugging you in comfort, be your source of strength as you are mine.
We will be going through a lot of things in this journey, baby love. I won’t be able to promise you that it will be a smooth ride all throughout. There will be a lot of bumps on the road – some small and some are big, and we will go through them together. Our lives will be a one bumpy ride but it will be the best road trip that we will ever have.
I love you so much, my son. You make my life complete. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mom. I promise that you will never regret it.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3